Sunday, August 23, 2009

Am I Doing Enough

Sometimes I sit here and wonder if I am doing enough in my life. Sometimes I doubt I am truly living the way my higher power wants me to. Sometimes I even doubt if I should stay sober. A voice inside my head was telling me horrible things yesterday. Things like, "You are a loser", and "Nobody really likes you, they just feel sorry for you", and "You will never succeed". What do you say to that?

I have been a good friend of Bill W.'s for 5 months 1 week and I still get weirded out by some of the things people do. Try not to take their inventory Chris! I did my 6th step last Sunday with my sponsor just before a speaker meeting that I chair. It was nice but we didn't leave enough time to do my 7th step. That is my higher power telling me that I need to spend more time on it.

I like the saying, "If you aren't working on your recovery, you are working on your relapse." That rings true for me. If someone asks you what step you are on and you have to think about it then you should probably check yourself. It is really easy to become complacent.

In reality, I am doing a lot. My brain doesn’t always recognize my efforts and that little voice speaks to me so loud, almost like it has a mega-phone right to my inner ear. I choose not to listen all the time but every now and then it is a struggle. I took a nice ride on the pink cloud but eventually had to come down and do the work. They call where I am at, ‘The Wall’. When you hit the wall it is important to have strong recovery, strong ‘mooring lines’ so you don’t let yourself drift away. My ‘mooring lines’ are: service work, steps, daily meetings, my higher power, reading, doing things even when I don’t want to, and the Fellowship.

They say we are granted a daily reprieve from the obsession to drink/drug. Just as long as I do the work……daily!

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