Friday, October 22, 2010

my blogs get sent to my google mailbox addresses

I completely forgot that my address book received a free copy of my rant that i just posted this week. now i kind of feel embarassed because it was completely off the charts. lol. whoa! good thing this is progress not perfection.

oh and just an update, me and that associate squashed the beef. he is a good worker again and just needed a push in the right direction. my back hurts from lifting 200 pound pool tables on an unrelated front.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

am i allowed to have bad days??

I am being serious. Is it appropriate for me to have bad days? Is it proper for me to have doubts? Would you be mad if I told you that I didn't trust my pregnant girlfriend? Would these omissions make you see me as a bad or weak person?

Yesterday was a disaster of a day. The morning seemed great. I went to my fellowships PO Box at the post and processed some of our mail. Got to see a friend's son, Nick, interact with our puppy named Molly. Read a few pages of "World Without End" by Ken Follett, then got ready for work.

Ahhh... work. I just recently started a new position at my company. Receiving Lead. I now have a new boss. I now have new associates that don't know me or my leadership style. Right off the bat I recognized which associates I could count on to get the job done, with little motivation from me, and the ones that would need their hands held while doing their jobs.

At my place of employement we call the associates that struggle to get their jobs done the biggest "opportunities". One of my BO's (for short) did something last night that left a sour taste in my mouth. Well before I go any further I think I should mention that during my last day on my last assignment as softlines lead, this BO came up to me and I noticed that he had an attitude towards me. This caught me off guard and set off all kinds of red flags, bells and whistles, and alarms that this gentleman was going to be a handfull.

Now back to last night. Last night was one of the nights that we receive a truck. It is a very busy night and it was the first truck that I had ever worked. I had a little apprehension going into it. So when I first get to work I ask two of my associates if they would care to join me for a cigarette (which i shouldn't be smoking I know.. because I quit a year and a half ago.. so sue me). They abliged. We get back and I notice that my BO (Biggest Opportunity) displays his very colorful attitude and blatant dislike for me and my leadership role. It was very uneeded.

The night goes on, and we take two more smoke breaks during the processing of the truck. Which was a mistake.. I realize this but my whole point is to build a rapore with my two best workers and I don't feel like I need to explain myself to my "biggest opportunity" and ask for his permission to have a cigarette.

BO was not happy, and he took it upon himself to inform one of my fellow managers in another department that we had taken too many smoke breaks. I didn't find out about his defiance until I checked in with the assistant store manager to see if we could stay until 2030 hours to finish as much as possible. She told me that there was a complaint about our smoking. Guess who? My BO.

I calmly walk over to where he is sitting down.. not sure why he was doing that in the first place. I say, "Hey _____, can you please tell me why you felt the need to go behind my back and tell another manager about our smoking, when you know we had a talk about your cell phone use when you brought this up to me earlier?" See we had already had a discussion about this between the two of us, and I thought I made it clear that he shouldn't be worrying about what I do when he is standing around on his phone.

Immediately this man start to yell and right then I knew it wasn't going to end well. I ask him three or four times to "lower his voice". I tell him to not speak to me that way. Finally when he is just going to keep yelling, I yell back. Can you guess why? Because I am the boss of him. I am his superior. Standing behind me were two of my best workers. The guys that I can rely on to get the job done! I was trying to save face and basically let this BO know who is in charge. He must figure this out soon. His job literally depends on it.

I noticed something during our little showdown...LOL because that is what it was, a gunslinging showdown.. a whos the big dick.. guess what..?.. I AM. I noticed that he mentioned he was having a tough time at home. He seemed to be taking out all his frustrations on me. I understand tough times. I've been through them for longer than I care to admit to myself sometimes. I get it. Its okay to be in pain. Its okay to hurt. But, whats not okay is to take it out on your boss. Trust me I know. I have done it. Its not good to bite the hand that feeds you. The consequences are not very favorable to the biter.

If I could have a re-do on last night I would have kept my cool during our tirade. I would not have yelled back at him. I would have just skipped right to the part where I said, "Go Home!" I would have just let it go and not asked why he went behind my back. I felt very disrespected. I feel very disrespected.

I know this post hasn't been the brightest of the bunch. I just don't feel very bright and cheery right now. I kind of feel like climbing into a hole in the ground and never coming out. But on the other side, I want to do well. I want to recognize the hard work that I have put into my personal, professional, and spiritual life. I am a good person. I am a caring person. I love myself for who I am and no matter what my higher power loves me too.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

working an honest program..

I sit here at a kiosk in a public library right down the street from my apartment I share with a beautiful, and pregnant girlfriend. For some reason I am having a difficult time trying to figure out what to write to you about. Do I want to talk about how I stuck my neck out for a young girl I saw get punched in the face by her abusive boyfriend, two weeks ago? Do I talk about what living with a pregnant woman is like? Should I talk about how I feel about sponsoring alcoholics in a program of recovery? All those things would be wonderful things to talk about. But I thought of something much better to talk about... MY PROGRAM.

The program that I try to work has been gaining steam for the past few months. Ever since I decided that I didn't want to live like a mushroom, growing in the dark on a big pile of shit. That is no fun. If you know what I am talking about you will quite possibly agree with me.

I was sitting in a meeting in a neighboring town and just gave up trying to run the show. I was tired.. My girlfriend was probably tired, but she is tired anyways because she is pregnant. I made the decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of my higher power as I understand him/her/it. Some days I forget that I gave my program up to a creative intelligence that is much greater than me, and try to take the reins back.. but days like today I take great satisfaction in the fact that I can flow with the current of life instead of struggling against its endless and powerful flowing energy.

I am glad I am not the all knowing, all seeing creative energy driving all living and non-living beings in this realm. Can you imagine how tired I would be then? I don't even want to think about it.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

R. Lee Ermey signed my USMC Honor Courage Committment card

Just trying to get a feel for how much this autograph would be worth.. I am not interested in selling, just want to know if keeping it on my countertop is a safe place for it or if I would need to put it in a safe, lockbox, etc.

Monday, May 10, 2010

old Blog Posts.

I was just taking a look at some of my old blop posts and think some of them are pretty silly. Especially the one about boycott kanye west. Really? I fell for that one hook, line, and sinker. The whole thing was probably planned anyways. Publicity stunt. Old blog posts are a good reminder on how things are progressing in my life. I really do not care about that kind of stuff anymore. And if I did I don't think I would need to write about it in a blog post.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Why I Stay Busy

Why do I stay busy? And why do I feel like I need to do everything all at once? I have been staying really busy recently. Getting things done for once. When I first started down this path of sobriety I sure as heck didn't want to stay busy but somebody once told me that I should get busy living, or get busy dying. Even right now this very instant I feel like I should be doing something more productive like finishing the million books that I need to finish. Maybe I should try to go a whole day without doing anything. Maybe I should try to go a whole day without speaking to anyone. Can it be done? Should it be done? I have always been told that idle time is the devils play thing but maybe I can just practice Not-Doing for a little while so I can get back on track.

I am at a point in my sobriety that I am fully aware of the importance of going to meetings, calling your sponsor, calling another drunk (running buddy), doing something compassionate for another person, staying fit spiritually...mentally...and physically. Also, rule# 62 is a biggun.

For the rest of the night I am just going to take it easy. My girlfriend is coming over tonight and we are just going to take it easy. Watch a movie. And just enjoy eachothers company. The cool thing about her is that she is not an alcoholic or an addict. She supports my program too. I love this one a lot.

Great day to be alive and sober. I pass.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

wrote a blog then i got bombed back to prague.
came with such a quickness you had to pull down the afterburner element,
from my flux time consortium.

Friday, April 2, 2010

Met Someone New

A few weeks ago I was invited to go out for lunch with a couple colleagues from work. When first asked to go I quickly made up an excuse to why I would not be able to. I used the old, 'don't want to be late for work' excuse. But then at the last minute I changed my mind and decided to just do it. This girl that I was interested in was going and there was also something telling me that I needed to get off my ass and just go.

I am not usually the type to see anyone outside of work. But something was telling me to just get to know this girl. She is so pretty, so smart, so kind and I think is just a good person deep down.

Lunch was great and a day later I asked if she would like to go to the movies with me. She said yes. So for our first date we went to see Shutter Island. Very freaky movie but I thought it was edited to the highest visual standard possible. The whole first date thing is nerve racking and I don't think I was really paying any attention to the movie. My main objective was so hold her hand and maybe give her a kiss on the cheek. But for the life of me I could not build up enough courage.

I have never been in a relationship with a woman like this. She has never done drugs and doesn't have a problem with alcohol. She rides horses and likes the outdoors. She has the kindest heart and just has the most amazing spirit. A few months back I just gave up my search for a possible girlfriend/friend. I just decided that if something was supposed to happen then it definitely won't be on my time table. And I was right. Right when I decided to stop looking so hard and stop trying to make myself seem so available or desperate, she came into my life. What a gift sobriety has been.

One of the biggest and best things about my life now is that I don't have to abuse women. Nowhere does it say that I am required to control her or take advantage of her good nature. It isn't written anywhere that I am required to hit, slap, push, abuse, belittle, antagonize, diminish, punish, devastate, persecute, reprimand, etc etc etc. My job is to be a good man and be a good person to her. My job is to stay sober one day at a time. She will only see the sober Chris. Just for today. She will not have to deal with the manipulative prick of my past. Thank goodness.

God really is good! He/She never stops amazing me. The littlest thing is the biggest blessing.

नामस ऑफ़ प्रोदुसर्स ठाट इ like

the prodigy, Axis, Source Direct, Capone, Peshay, Swift, Krust, Goldie, Dillinja, Sequoia, Lemon D, Photek, Tom & Jerry, Grooverider,Digital, MENTAL POWERS, Doc Scott, J Majik, Optical, Dylan, Substance, Ed Rush, Hawstyle, Glitch, Catnap, Alena, MESE, Dick van Dank, Dara, Diesel, Ak1200, reid speed, dj spawn, MC's aren't my thing but I know a few rock that shit, Nicky Blackmarket, Bassline Smith, Marky, SquarePusher, Juno Reactor, NOOL, Fierce, DJ SS, Die, Adam F, Carlito, Suv, Aphex Twin, Bio Mechanics, Ray Keith, Decoder & Substance, John B, Ed Rush & Optical, Kamanchi, Dom and Roland, Boymerang, Roni Size, DREAM TEAM, ez rollers, FUTURE FORCES, Hidden Agent, Omni Trio, Shimon, Basic One, Andy C, L Double, Origin Unknown, Tech Itch, Twisted, Loxy, Ink, Evol Intent, Beet and Bad Lt, Noisia, Black Sun Empire, Jo-s, Baron, Aquasky, Total Science, Infiltrata, PLEIJIK, CounterStrike, Makoto, Artifact(japan), FutureCut, Ram Raiders, Schooly D, DJ Krust, Usual Suspects, Stratus, Gridlok, Josh Wink, JO-S again, Bagel, Datcyde, UFO!, Pish-Posh, Hive, Chewie, Rob Riddum, Ground Zero, SASHA, Datacyde, RAW, aphrodite, General Malice

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Palmolive Original brings back memories of childhood. They didn't have all the fragrances they have now, back in the crazy 80's.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

The only time in which Negative means something good!:)

Yesterday was a rough day. I experienced such a sweeping range of emotions. From being the saddest I could be, to the happiest I could hope to be. I found out that I do not have HIV/AIDS yesterday. The thought of having an auto-immune disease is enough to keep you up at night. It was affecting every aspect of my life. These "big" things never just affect one aspect, or one facet, but all angles are tested.

I also found out yesterday that I have a really nice boss. She is such a sweet heart and actually does have a heart. She told me that I should have let her know what was going on with me. That I should have just taken the day off. Looking back I completely agree. Everyone was pissing me off yesterday. For one thing or another. I just thought it was everyone else but really it was me. It always starts with me.

From now on I am going to try to trust my boss and the people I work with. I guess I am just afraid that they are going to use the information against me in some way. Maybe try to get me fired or demoted. Or just something negative.

For now I am off to the gym to work my butt off on the treadmill. Later

Monday, February 15, 2010

My Latest

Well I am sure you are all thinking the same thing, where the f*** have you been Chris? Are you still sober? The answer to the second question is, Yes I am still sober. Thanks be to God. The answer to the first question is, I have been around. I have been living my life. I have been making choices. Healthy ones, and even a couple bad ones. I have been in a relationship with another woman. The relationship didn't really work out to well. It is what it is. I am just not ready to be in a relationship. And that is okay. Its okay to lose. Just not to lose your sobriety, your life, your freedom, and even your passion or joy. Can you imagine losing any one of those things. What if you lost your sobriety after 11 months of hard work? Wouldn't that be just the hardest thing to deal with? I don't think I would make it back. I would be so ashamed. That thought scares the crap out of me. My goal in life is to die sober. To die with some dignity. And to go out with grace. Not to be a burden or someone you wish would just die already. Not that pain in the ass person you would love to see suffer. Nope, not me. Not anymore.

So I have a few goals for this year. I was just promoted at Sears to manager. I am so grateful for that one. Amazing. They have been so damn good to me its not even funny. I love my job. I love where I am at right now. I love being sober and I just love myself. In a good way. I have never loved myself for who I am until very recently. There isn't anything wrong with loving yourself. Nothing at all. I am learning to gather strength from my choices. I am learning to love people for who they are and to try to look past their shortcomings because that's not who they really are. Deep down I know everyone has a good heart. Sometimes it is just hard for people to access it.

I was in a confrontation with a friend yesterday. And it hurt me. I got hurt from what this person did to me. It wasn't very nice. But I finally got to see what it looks like when somebody acts like a complete ass. It was a valuable learning experience. It happened for a reason. Or at least I keep telling myself that. Giving someone the benefit of the doubt is really a big concept for me. I have been trained to not think or feel, but to just react and to kill. To make sure whatever I am up against doesn't just fall to the ground but doesn't have the opportunity to get back up. So when somebody I trust acts in a way that could be considered rude or offensive, my natural reaction is to attack. My instincts kicked in yesterday and I almost lost my control. The universe didn't make it so. Nothing happened. Just some negative energy getting thrown around. I apologized already. And that is really all that matters to me. Maybe someday we can be friends again, but if what happened yesterday happens again, I might have to go Marine on you buddy. Rah!