Saturday, February 20, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Yesterday was a rough day. I experienced such a sweeping range of emotions. From being the saddest I could be, to the happiest I could hope to be. I found out that I do not have HIV/AIDS yesterday. The thought of having an auto-immune disease is enough to keep you up at night. It was affecting every aspect of my life. These "big" things never just affect one aspect, or one facet, but all angles are tested.
I also found out yesterday that I have a really nice boss. She is such a sweet heart and actually does have a heart. She told me that I should have let her know what was going on with me. That I should have just taken the day off. Looking back I completely agree. Everyone was pissing me off yesterday. For one thing or another. I just thought it was everyone else but really it was me. It always starts with me.
From now on I am going to try to trust my boss and the people I work with. I guess I am just afraid that they are going to use the information against me in some way. Maybe try to get me fired or demoted. Or just something negative.
For now I am off to the gym to work my butt off on the treadmill. Later
Monday, February 15, 2010
Well I am sure you are all thinking the same thing, where the f*** have you been Chris? Are you still sober? The answer to the second question is, Yes I am still sober. Thanks be to God. The answer to the first question is, I have been around. I have been living my life. I have been making choices. Healthy ones, and even a couple bad ones. I have been in a relationship with another woman. The relationship didn't really work out to well. It is what it is. I am just not ready to be in a relationship. And that is okay. Its okay to lose. Just not to lose your sobriety, your life, your freedom, and even your passion or joy. Can you imagine losing any one of those things. What if you lost your sobriety after 11 months of hard work? Wouldn't that be just the hardest thing to deal with? I don't think I would make it back. I would be so ashamed. That thought scares the crap out of me. My goal in life is to die sober. To die with some dignity. And to go out with grace. Not to be a burden or someone you wish would just die already. Not that pain in the ass person you would love to see suffer. Nope, not me. Not anymore.
So I have a few goals for this year. I was just promoted at Sears to manager. I am so grateful for that one. Amazing. They have been so damn good to me its not even funny. I love my job. I love where I am at right now. I love being sober and I just love myself. In a good way. I have never loved myself for who I am until very recently. There isn't anything wrong with loving yourself. Nothing at all. I am learning to gather strength from my choices. I am learning to love people for who they are and to try to look past their shortcomings because that's not who they really are. Deep down I know everyone has a good heart. Sometimes it is just hard for people to access it.
I was in a confrontation with a friend yesterday. And it hurt me. I got hurt from what this person did to me. It wasn't very nice. But I finally got to see what it looks like when somebody acts like a complete ass. It was a valuable learning experience. It happened for a reason. Or at least I keep telling myself that. Giving someone the benefit of the doubt is really a big concept for me. I have been trained to not think or feel, but to just react and to kill. To make sure whatever I am up against doesn't just fall to the ground but doesn't have the opportunity to get back up. So when somebody I trust acts in a way that could be considered rude or offensive, my natural reaction is to attack. My instincts kicked in yesterday and I almost lost my control. The universe didn't make it so. Nothing happened. Just some negative energy getting thrown around. I apologized already. And that is really all that matters to me. Maybe someday we can be friends again, but if what happened yesterday happens again, I might have to go Marine on you buddy. Rah!