Tuesday, October 19, 2010

am i allowed to have bad days??

I am being serious. Is it appropriate for me to have bad days? Is it proper for me to have doubts? Would you be mad if I told you that I didn't trust my pregnant girlfriend? Would these omissions make you see me as a bad or weak person?

Yesterday was a disaster of a day. The morning seemed great. I went to my fellowships PO Box at the post and processed some of our mail. Got to see a friend's son, Nick, interact with our puppy named Molly. Read a few pages of "World Without End" by Ken Follett, then got ready for work.

Ahhh... work. I just recently started a new position at my company. Receiving Lead. I now have a new boss. I now have new associates that don't know me or my leadership style. Right off the bat I recognized which associates I could count on to get the job done, with little motivation from me, and the ones that would need their hands held while doing their jobs.

At my place of employement we call the associates that struggle to get their jobs done the biggest "opportunities". One of my BO's (for short) did something last night that left a sour taste in my mouth. Well before I go any further I think I should mention that during my last day on my last assignment as softlines lead, this BO came up to me and I noticed that he had an attitude towards me. This caught me off guard and set off all kinds of red flags, bells and whistles, and alarms that this gentleman was going to be a handfull.

Now back to last night. Last night was one of the nights that we receive a truck. It is a very busy night and it was the first truck that I had ever worked. I had a little apprehension going into it. So when I first get to work I ask two of my associates if they would care to join me for a cigarette (which i shouldn't be smoking I know.. because I quit a year and a half ago.. so sue me). They abliged. We get back and I notice that my BO (Biggest Opportunity) displays his very colorful attitude and blatant dislike for me and my leadership role. It was very uneeded.

The night goes on, and we take two more smoke breaks during the processing of the truck. Which was a mistake.. I realize this but my whole point is to build a rapore with my two best workers and I don't feel like I need to explain myself to my "biggest opportunity" and ask for his permission to have a cigarette.

BO was not happy, and he took it upon himself to inform one of my fellow managers in another department that we had taken too many smoke breaks. I didn't find out about his defiance until I checked in with the assistant store manager to see if we could stay until 2030 hours to finish as much as possible. She told me that there was a complaint about our smoking. Guess who? My BO.

I calmly walk over to where he is sitting down.. not sure why he was doing that in the first place. I say, "Hey _____, can you please tell me why you felt the need to go behind my back and tell another manager about our smoking, when you know we had a talk about your cell phone use when you brought this up to me earlier?" See we had already had a discussion about this between the two of us, and I thought I made it clear that he shouldn't be worrying about what I do when he is standing around on his phone.

Immediately this man start to yell and right then I knew it wasn't going to end well. I ask him three or four times to "lower his voice". I tell him to not speak to me that way. Finally when he is just going to keep yelling, I yell back. Can you guess why? Because I am the boss of him. I am his superior. Standing behind me were two of my best workers. The guys that I can rely on to get the job done! I was trying to save face and basically let this BO know who is in charge. He must figure this out soon. His job literally depends on it.

I noticed something during our little showdown...LOL because that is what it was, a gunslinging showdown.. a whos the big dick.. guess what..?.. I AM. I noticed that he mentioned he was having a tough time at home. He seemed to be taking out all his frustrations on me. I understand tough times. I've been through them for longer than I care to admit to myself sometimes. I get it. Its okay to be in pain. Its okay to hurt. But, whats not okay is to take it out on your boss. Trust me I know. I have done it. Its not good to bite the hand that feeds you. The consequences are not very favorable to the biter.

If I could have a re-do on last night I would have kept my cool during our tirade. I would not have yelled back at him. I would have just skipped right to the part where I said, "Go Home!" I would have just let it go and not asked why he went behind my back. I felt very disrespected. I feel very disrespected.

I know this post hasn't been the brightest of the bunch. I just don't feel very bright and cheery right now. I kind of feel like climbing into a hole in the ground and never coming out. But on the other side, I want to do well. I want to recognize the hard work that I have put into my personal, professional, and spiritual life. I am a good person. I am a caring person. I love myself for who I am and no matter what my higher power loves me too.

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