intergalactic...planetary

Life isn't about me.. It's about you :)

2011-12-05T20:39:00.001-05:00

I have been thinking way too much of myself recently. How I feel about certain situations, How this will benefit me and my family, How much more I can have of so and so, and just a lot more selfish thinking. Oh, one of my favorite ones is the fact that I have to have things go my way at all times. Especially during my time off from work. I have a family so things don't generally go my way very often. I am lucky to get an hour of time to myself. But I am finding out that the more time I spend with the other person, or even dog... that I actually get more time to myself later. If I spend that quality time with the ones I love, I am gifted with time to spend doing the things I must do to stay healthy.

This life was given to me by a power much greater than myself. This life is a gift. I can either treat it like a gift or I can start feeling like shit again. There are two ways to be: selfish or selfless. My goal is to be selfless, by helping others I am helping myself. When I give, I get much more.

I just thought I would share this with you. I haven't written a blog in a while. A lot has happened in my life. The good and the bad but mostly good. Just grateful to be here on this journey. Grateful that I am able to use my mind and my spirit for the good and not the darkness. Nameste :)

2011-07-04T14:59:00.000-04:00

Today I had a very nice conversation with my ex-wife. She sent me a text to wish me a happy 4th of July. I thought that was very nice. I find it so amazing that we can be civil toward eachother. There is a God folks. Us being friendly to eachother is proof.

Holding resentments towards people is not good. If you are trying to live clean and or sober I just cannot endorse holding onto them. I personally have to let it go. On a daily basis I let things go, especially the small stuff because it just isn't important enough to get between me and my Higher Powers. I am riding on a spiritual high made possible by right thinking, right action, right forgiveness and right practice.

Being right with Spirit takes time and it takes work. Nothing worthwhile can be achieved in one day, one week or even one months. This is a journey. A quest for enlightened living. Living in the light and exposing darkness to that light.

I wish you only the best fellow traveler. Keep your heart, eyes and mind open to compassion. I love you.

Zen Buddha

2011-02-24T14:24:00.000-05:00

I have to take a deep breath now and then to remind myself that I am human. So human sometimes its not funny. Monkey mind was so powerful, and still can be that I need mindfulness to help silence him.

For this moment I feel very blessed to practice Buddhism.

my blogs get sent to my google mailbox addresses

2010-10-22T06:46:00.000-04:00

I completely forgot that my address book received a free copy of my rant that i just posted this week. now i kind of feel embarassed because it was completely off the charts. lol. whoa! good thing this is progress not perfection.

oh and just an update, me and that associate squashed the beef. he is a good worker again and just needed a push in the right direction. my back hurts from lifting 200 pound pool tables on an unrelated front.

am i allowed to have bad days??

2010-10-19T10:12:00.000-04:00

I am being serious. Is it appropriate for me to have bad days? Is it proper for me to have doubts? Would you be mad if I told you that I didn't trust my pregnant girlfriend? Would these omissions make you see me as a bad or weak person?

Yesterday was a disaster of a day. The morning seemed great. I went to my fellowships PO Box at the post and processed some of our mail. Got to see a friend's son, Nick, interact with our puppy named Molly. Read a few pages of "World Without End" by Ken Follett, then got ready for work.

Ahhh... work. I just recently started a new position at my company. Receiving Lead. I now have a new boss. I now have new associates that don't know me or my leadership style. Right off the bat I recognized which associates I could count on to get the job done, with little motivation from me, and the ones that would need their hands held while doing their jobs.

At my place of employement we call the associates that struggle to get their jobs done the biggest "opportunities". One of my BO's (for short) did something last night that left a sour taste in my mouth. Well before I go any further I think I should mention that during my last day on my last assignment as softlines lead, this BO came up to me and I noticed that he had an attitude towards me. This caught me off guard and set off all kinds of red flags, bells and whistles, and alarms that this gentleman was going to be a handfull.

Now back to last night. Last night was one of the nights that we receive a truck. It is a very busy night and it was the first truck that I had ever worked. I had a little apprehension going into it. So when I first get to work I ask two of my associates if they would care to join me for a cigarette (which i shouldn't be smoking I know.. because I quit a year and a half ago.. so sue me). They abliged. We get back and I notice that my BO (Biggest Opportunity) displays his very colorful attitude and blatant dislike for me and my leadership role. It was very uneeded.

The night goes on, and we take two more smoke breaks during the processing of the truck. Which was a mistake.. I realize this but my whole point is to build a rapore with my two best workers and I don't feel like I need to explain myself to my "biggest opportunity" and ask for his permission to have a cigarette.

BO was not happy, and he took it upon himself to inform one of my fellow managers in another department that we had taken too many smoke breaks. I didn't find out about his defiance until I checked in with the assistant store manager to see if we could stay until 2030 hours to finish as much as possible. She told me that there was a complaint about our smoking. Guess who? My BO.

I calmly walk over to where he is sitting down.. not sure why he was doing that in the first place. I say, "Hey _____, can you please tell me why you felt the need to go behind my back and tell another manager about our smoking, when you know we had a talk about your cell phone use when you brought this up to me earlier?" See we had already had a discussion about this between the two of us, and I thought I made it clear that he shouldn't be worrying about what I do when he is standing around on his phone.

Immediately this man start to yell and right then I knew it wasn't going to end well. I ask him three or four times to "lower his voice". I tell him to not speak to me that way. Finally when he is just going to keep yelling, I yell back. Can you guess why? Because I am the boss of him. I am his superior. Standing behind me were two of my best workers. The guys that I can rely on to get the job done! I was trying to save face and basically let this BO know who is in charge. He must figure this out soon. His job literally depends on it.

I noticed something during our little showdown...LOL because that is what it was, a gunslinging showdown.. a whos the big dick.. guess what..?.. I AM. I noticed that he mentioned he was having a tough time at home. He seemed to be taking out all his frustrations on me. I understand tough times. I've been through them for longer than I care to admit to myself sometimes. I get it. Its okay to be in pain. Its okay to hurt. But, whats not okay is to take it out on your boss. Trust me I know. I have done it. Its not good to bite the hand that feeds you. The consequences are not very favorable to the biter.

If I could have a re-do on last night I would have kept my cool during our tirade. I would not have yelled back at him. I would have just skipped right to the part where I said, "Go Home!" I would have just let it go and not asked why he went behind my back. I felt very disrespected. I feel very disrespected.

I know this post hasn't been the brightest of the bunch. I just don't feel very bright and cheery right now. I kind of feel like climbing into a hole in the ground and never coming out. But on the other side, I want to do well. I want to recognize the hard work that I have put into my personal, professional, and spiritual life. I am a good person. I am a caring person. I love myself for who I am and no matter what my higher power loves me too.

working an honest program..

2010-10-07T12:56:00.002-04:00

I sit here at a kiosk in a public library right down the street from my apartment I share with a beautiful, and pregnant girlfriend. For some reason I am having a difficult time trying to figure out what to write to you about. Do I want to talk about how I stuck my neck out for a young girl I saw get punched in the face by her abusive boyfriend, two weeks ago? Do I talk about what living with a pregnant woman is like? Should I talk about how I feel about sponsoring alcoholics in a program of recovery? All those things would be wonderful things to talk about. But I thought of something much better to talk about... MY PROGRAM.

The program that I try to work has been gaining steam for the past few months. Ever since I decided that I didn't want to live like a mushroom, growing in the dark on a big pile of shit. That is no fun. If you know what I am talking about you will quite possibly agree with me.

I was sitting in a meeting in a neighboring town and just gave up trying to run the show. I was tired.. My girlfriend was probably tired, but she is tired anyways because she is pregnant. I made the decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of my higher power as I understand him/her/it. Some days I forget that I gave my program up to a creative intelligence that is much greater than me, and try to take the reins back.. but days like today I take great satisfaction in the fact that I can flow with the current of life instead of struggling against its endless and powerful flowing energy.

I am glad I am not the all knowing, all seeing creative energy driving all living and non-living beings in this realm. Can you imagine how tired I would be then? I don't even want to think about it.

R. Lee Ermey signed my USMC Honor Courage Committment card

2010-10-06T08:47:00.003-04:00

Just trying to get a feel for how much this autograph would be worth.. I am not interested in selling, just want to know if keeping it on my countertop is a safe place for it or if I would need to put it in a safe, lockbox, etc.

old Blog Posts.

2010-05-10T12:59:00.002-04:00

I was just taking a look at some of my old blop posts and think some of them are pretty silly. Especially the one about boycott kanye west. Really? I fell for that one hook, line, and sinker. The whole thing was probably planned anyways. Publicity stunt. Old blog posts are a good reminder on how things are progressing in my life. I really do not care about that kind of stuff anymore. And if I did I don't think I would need to write about it in a blog post.

Why I Stay Busy

2010-05-08T16:26:00.003-04:00

Why do I stay busy? And why do I feel like I need to do everything all at once? I have been staying really busy recently. Getting things done for once. When I first started down this path of sobriety I sure as heck didn't want to stay busy but somebody once told me that I should get busy living, or get busy dying. Even right now this very instant I feel like I should be doing something more productive like finishing the million books that I need to finish. Maybe I should try to go a whole day without doing anything. Maybe I should try to go a whole day without speaking to anyone. Can it be done? Should it be done? I have always been told that idle time is the devils play thing but maybe I can just practice Not-Doing for a little while so I can get back on track.

I am at a point in my sobriety that I am fully aware of the importance of going to meetings, calling your sponsor, calling another drunk (running buddy), doing something compassionate for another person, staying fit spiritually...mentally...and physically. Also, rule# 62 is a biggun.

For the rest of the night I am just going to take it easy. My girlfriend is coming over tonight and we are just going to take it easy. Watch a movie. And just enjoy eachothers company. The cool thing about her is that she is not an alcoholic or an addict. She supports my program too. I love this one a lot.

Great day to be alive and sober. I pass.

2010-04-10T15:50:00.001-04:00

wrote a blog then i got bombed back to prague.
came with such a quickness you had to pull down the afterburner element,
from my flux time consortium.

Met Someone New

2010-04-02T10:38:00.003-04:00

A few weeks ago I was invited to go out for lunch with a couple colleagues from work. When first asked to go I quickly made up an excuse to why I would not be able to. I used the old, 'don't want to be late for work' excuse. But then at the last minute I changed my mind and decided to just do it. This girl that I was interested in was going and there was also something telling me that I needed to get off my ass and just go.

I am not usually the type to see anyone outside of work. But something was telling me to just get to know this girl. She is so pretty, so smart, so kind and I think is just a good person deep down.

Lunch was great and a day later I asked if she would like to go to the movies with me. She said yes. So for our first date we went to see Shutter Island. Very freaky movie but I thought it was edited to the highest visual standard possible. The whole first date thing is nerve racking and I don't think I was really paying any attention to the movie. My main objective was so hold her hand and maybe give her a kiss on the cheek. But for the life of me I could not build up enough courage.

I have never been in a relationship with a woman like this. She has never done drugs and doesn't have a problem with alcohol. She rides horses and likes the outdoors. She has the kindest heart and just has the most amazing spirit. A few months back I just gave up my search for a possible girlfriend/friend. I just decided that if something was supposed to happen then it definitely won't be on my time table. And I was right. Right when I decided to stop looking so hard and stop trying to make myself seem so available or desperate, she came into my life. What a gift sobriety has been.

One of the biggest and best things about my life now is that I don't have to abuse women. Nowhere does it say that I am required to control her or take advantage of her good nature. It isn't written anywhere that I am required to hit, slap, push, abuse, belittle, antagonize, diminish, punish, devastate, persecute, reprimand, etc etc etc. My job is to be a good man and be a good person to her. My job is to stay sober one day at a time. She will only see the sober Chris. Just for today. She will not have to deal with the manipulative prick of my past. Thank goodness.

God really is good! He/She never stops amazing me. The littlest thing is the biggest blessing.

नामस ऑफ़ प्रोदुसर्स ठाट इ like

2010-04-02T10:37:00.001-04:00

the prodigy, Axis, Source Direct, Capone, Peshay, Swift, Krust, Goldie, Dillinja, Sequoia, Lemon D, Photek, Tom & Jerry, Grooverider,Digital, MENTAL POWERS, Doc Scott, J Majik, Optical, Dylan, Substance, Ed Rush, Hawstyle, Glitch, Catnap, Alena, MESE, Dick van Dank, Dara, Diesel, Ak1200, reid speed, dj spawn, MC's aren't my thing but I know a few rock that shit, Nicky Blackmarket, Bassline Smith, Marky, SquarePusher, Juno Reactor, NOOL, Fierce, DJ SS, Die, Adam F, Carlito, Suv, Aphex Twin, Bio Mechanics, Ray Keith, Decoder & Substance, John B, Ed Rush & Optical, Kamanchi, Dom and Roland, Boymerang, Roni Size, DREAM TEAM, ez rollers, FUTURE FORCES, Hidden Agent, Omni Trio, Shimon, Basic One, Andy C, L Double, Origin Unknown, Tech Itch, Twisted, Loxy, Ink, Evol Intent, Beet and Bad Lt, Noisia, Black Sun Empire, Jo-s, Baron, Aquasky, Total Science, Infiltrata, PLEIJIK, CounterStrike, Makoto, Artifact(japan), FutureCut, Ram Raiders, Schooly D, DJ Krust, Usual Suspects, Stratus, Gridlok, Josh Wink, JO-S again, Bagel, Datcyde, UFO!, Pish-Posh, Hive, Chewie, Rob Riddum, Ground Zero, SASHA, Datacyde, RAW, aphrodite, General Malice

2010-02-20T18:07:00.001-05:00

Palmolive Original brings back memories of childhood. They didn't have all the fragrances they have now, back in the crazy 80's.

britney p.

2010-02-19T19:01:00.000-05:00

i love you britney

The only time in which Negative means something good!:)

2010-02-17T09:45:00.004-05:00

Yesterday was a rough day. I experienced such a sweeping range of emotions. From being the saddest I could be, to the happiest I could hope to be. I found out that I do not have HIV/AIDS yesterday. The thought of having an auto-immune disease is enough to keep you up at night. It was affecting every aspect of my life. These "big" things never just affect one aspect, or one facet, but all angles are tested.

I also found out yesterday that I have a really nice boss. She is such a sweet heart and actually does have a heart. She told me that I should have let her know what was going on with me. That I should have just taken the day off. Looking back I completely agree. Everyone was pissing me off yesterday. For one thing or another. I just thought it was everyone else but really it was me. It always starts with me.

From now on I am going to try to trust my boss and the people I work with. I guess I am just afraid that they are going to use the information against me in some way. Maybe try to get me fired or demoted. Or just something negative.

For now I am off to the gym to work my butt off on the treadmill. Later

My Latest

2010-02-15T10:22:00.003-05:00

Well I am sure you are all thinking the same thing, where the f*** have you been Chris? Are you still sober? The answer to the second question is, Yes I am still sober. Thanks be to God. The answer to the first question is, I have been around. I have been living my life. I have been making choices. Healthy ones, and even a couple bad ones. I have been in a relationship with another woman. The relationship didn't really work out to well. It is what it is. I am just not ready to be in a relationship. And that is okay. Its okay to lose. Just not to lose your sobriety, your life, your freedom, and even your passion or joy. Can you imagine losing any one of those things. What if you lost your sobriety after 11 months of hard work? Wouldn't that be just the hardest thing to deal with? I don't think I would make it back. I would be so ashamed. That thought scares the crap out of me. My goal in life is to die sober. To die with some dignity. And to go out with grace. Not to be a burden or someone you wish would just die already. Not that pain in the ass person you would love to see suffer. Nope, not me. Not anymore.

So I have a few goals for this year. I was just promoted at Sears to manager. I am so grateful for that one. Amazing. They have been so damn good to me its not even funny. I love my job. I love where I am at right now. I love being sober and I just love myself. In a good way. I have never loved myself for who I am until very recently. There isn't anything wrong with loving yourself. Nothing at all. I am learning to gather strength from my choices. I am learning to love people for who they are and to try to look past their shortcomings because that's not who they really are. Deep down I know everyone has a good heart. Sometimes it is just hard for people to access it.

I was in a confrontation with a friend yesterday. And it hurt me. I got hurt from what this person did to me. It wasn't very nice. But I finally got to see what it looks like when somebody acts like a complete ass. It was a valuable learning experience. It happened for a reason. Or at least I keep telling myself that. Giving someone the benefit of the doubt is really a big concept for me. I have been trained to not think or feel, but to just react and to kill. To make sure whatever I am up against doesn't just fall to the ground but doesn't have the opportunity to get back up. So when somebody I trust acts in a way that could be considered rude or offensive, my natural reaction is to attack. My instincts kicked in yesterday and I almost lost my control. The universe didn't make it so. Nothing happened. Just some negative energy getting thrown around. I apologized already. And that is really all that matters to me. Maybe someday we can be friends again, but if what happened yesterday happens again, I might have to go Marine on you buddy. Rah!

2010-02-15T09:59:00.001-05:00

Testing

Getting Too Close To The Source

2009-11-16T17:33:00.002-05:00

Something inside me tells me to live dangerously. What is that? Do I like to be in danger? Do I like problems? Am I addicted to drama? I am beginning to think that I need to take better care of myself....again? Before I turn this into a self- bashing session I need to recognize a few of my achievements. First of those being that I have eight months of consecutive sobriety today. Second, that I talked with a complete stranger last night about a job he could get if he really wanted to. The man was talking in a meeting about not having a job and he was afraid of becoming homeless so i went up to him after the meeting and said of knew of a place that was hiring for sure. Then I realized why he was having such a hard time with finding a job. He wasn't the sanest man I have ever met, but he was also not the most insane. One year ago today I still hadn't ran my 2007 into the ground on my way to meet my illusive dope dealer. And third, I was at work last week and was in a really good mood. I saw a roach on the ground and decided that I didn't want a customer to see it. I also didn't want to kill the little guy and actually felt compassion for him/her. So I scooped him or her up in a piece of register tape and proceeded to carry the little guy/gal outside.

I can do some good in this world no matter how small it seems at the time. Now what was the original topic of this blog?

Please Boycott Kanye West

2009-09-16T10:27:00.001-04:00

Really? Did he really do that? His behavior is leading me to believe that he is on way more drugs than he needs to be. Did he add crack cocaine to the list of drugs he is currently on? This is an outrage and I hope he loses even more sponsors for opening his big mouth this time. I can understand why he said what he did about George Bush, but Taylor Swift didn't deserve this. I don't listen to her music but I think I am going to start.

I am sending "The College Dropout" and "Late Registration" back to his record label. I don't even care about the money I wasted on him. What I do care about is the time and energy I wasted listening to his rubbish. Apparently he is a racist and finally showed his true colors on national television. I know he has the right to exercise free speech, but some things need to be left unsaid. Kanye West, if you are reading this, I want you to know that I was a fan. I was a supporter of yours, even though I am white and you probably don't even like me because of the color of my skin. Please understand that I am not a racist, even if you are. And I don't put up or tolerate your hate. I wish many more people would send your cd's back to you. You don't deserve our attention. I pray for you Kanye. For God to lift the hate from your heart, and for him to lift you up in his grace.

God Bless You All.....even Kanye West.

My Blog Counter

2009-09-13T16:31:00.000-04:00

I just noticed that my blog counter is at like 11,900 views. I don't really know what that means. A couple days ago it was only at 200. Why did it jump up to this number? If anyone knows why it is so please let me know.

Am I Doing Enough

2009-08-23T11:26:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I sit here and wonder if I am doing enough in my life. Sometimes I doubt I am truly living the way my higher power wants me to. Sometimes I even doubt if I should stay sober. A voice inside my head was telling me horrible things yesterday. Things like, "You are a loser", and "Nobody really likes you, they just feel sorry for you", and "You will never succeed". What do you say to that?

I have been a good friend of Bill W.'s for 5 months 1 week and I still get weirded out by some of the things people do. Try not to take their inventory Chris! I did my 6th step last Sunday with my sponsor just before a speaker meeting that I chair. It was nice but we didn't leave enough time to do my 7th step. That is my higher power telling me that I need to spend more time on it.

I like the saying, "If you aren't working on your recovery, you are working on your relapse." That rings true for me. If someone asks you what step you are on and you have to think about it then you should probably check yourself. It is really easy to become complacent.

In reality, I am doing a lot. My brain doesn’t always recognize my efforts and that little voice speaks to me so loud, almost like it has a mega-phone right to my inner ear. I choose not to listen all the time but every now and then it is a struggle. I took a nice ride on the pink cloud but eventually had to come down and do the work. They call where I am at, ‘The Wall’. When you hit the wall it is important to have strong recovery, strong ‘mooring lines’ so you don’t let yourself drift away. My ‘mooring lines’ are: service work, steps, daily meetings, my higher power, reading, doing things even when I don’t want to, and the Fellowship.

They say we are granted a daily reprieve from the obsession to drink/drug. Just as long as I do the work……daily!

Monday Update

2009-07-06T11:08:00.000-04:00

I took this picture the other day so I could use it for an avatar on an on-line recovery site. A couple weeks ago I was looking through some old pictures and found one that I took of myself when I hadn't slept in three or fours day. It shocked me to see myself look so destroyed. My face was gray and my eyes were lifeless. I looked like a zombie. During that time I was serving in the Marine Corps and finally understand why my career came to an end. The last thing my Staff Sergeant told me was to do something with my life. I shook his hand and said something like, don't worry about me staff sergeant...I will be just fine. Boy was I in for a treat.

Today when someone asks how I am doing I don't say I am fine because we all know what that really means. Today I answer with, I am doing great or I am just amazed at how good life can be when you work on it.

May God bless all of you, my dearest friends.

Dealing With Negative Personalities

2009-06-22T11:49:00.000-04:00

What do you do when there is someone in your life that tries to bring you down to their level every chance they get? Do you play into their negativity or do you rise above?

I am dealing with life on life's terms these days. My happiness is contingent on my sobriety and my ability to work on my disease of addiction. If life is lacking then it most certainly has to do with something I am putting off or avoiding. This time around I have jumped into the program with vigor or as they say, jumped into the middle of the boat. The issues I deal with on a daily basis are much easier to process now that they don't involve using and/or drinking. Many problems came out of that lifestyle. Many triumphs are coming out of this sober lifestyle. Many friendships, insights, spiritual moments, quiet moments, happy and sad moments, and genuine life moments are streaming through my soul today. I am touched by the little things and don't take my life or my blessings for granted. I am sober by God's grace and love. And my side of the street is clean and is in a constant flux of repair and change.

As hard as I work on my spiritual connection, the wind is taken from my sail time and again. I have always had to deal with people trying to put my light out, it has been happening since I was a child. Why do they have to bring me down? Why is it so important for them to make me feel like they do? Trust me; I used to feel worse than you did. If someone was in high spirits I would do things to bring them back down to earth. Nasty things. Things I wouldn't want done to me today. Things I don't accept any longer in my life. I treat people how I want to be treated. My grandfather, may you rest in peace, taught me that proverb when I was just old enough to remember. It is a simple lesson and works when you work it.

If someone steps over my boundaries, I try to let them know about it. I talk to them in a nice way, instead of getting violent and violating their space. I explain that they are only hurting themselves by extending hatred and resentment my way. When I get mean looks, just got one this morning at my home-group, I just smile back at them and give them a little nod. Just letting them know that it really doesn't affect me the way they want it to. I decide who gets to make me feel happy or sad. I have control and power over the way I feel, thank God. Can you imagine if other people could control how you felt? I don't think any of us would have gotten sober.

In reading this, I hope you learned that you decide how you feel and nobody else. We are all children of God, or the Universe and we are one. Have a blessed life and a blessed sober day!

Sharing is Caring

2009-06-11T10:49:00.000-04:00

On June 14th I will be celebrating my 90th day of consecutive sobriety. To me this is no small feat. If you aren't familiar with the world of 12-step recovery this might sound like no big deal. When I hear non-addicts/alcoholics utter doubtful phrases like, "What is so special about a sobriety date anyways", or "why can't you just stop on your own", or "do you still need to goto thosemeetings", my heart sinks a little. The wind is temporary taken from my sail. I force myself to be reminded that not everyone has the same self-awareness and perception as I strive to possess. To be patient and to not be so quick to judge or anger.

"What is so special about a sobriety date anyways?" To this I would say, it's special for many reasons. For too long I was trapped within the confines of my disease. It never let me out to truly see the blessings all around me. In the first month of my new sober life, everything was a struggle. My emotions were like a house of cards. If someone said one wrong thing to me I was either very angry or very sad. I would announce my days clean every single morning at my homegroup, and the people would say...keep coming back. I kept coming back and kept coming back. We celebrate sobriety because we celebrate life. Our achievements are so important because we have come so far and are not slaves to a chemical any longer. We are all walking miracles.

"Why can't you just stop on your own?" Just this morning at my 7:15am homegroup meeting, a woman that is new to the program had just announced to the group that she was changing her sobriety date to last weekend. She had relapsed on O'Douls, which technically has alcohol in it. I applaud her honesty. I talked to her before the meeting because I noticed that she was crying and asked what was wrong. She said that someone explained to her that she should admit that she had relapsed and get honest. She didn't like this too much at all. So she spoke up about her discomfort during our group discussion and explained that she was proud of the time she put together and that it was from her own self will. Her own self will! In my mind I automatically said the phrase, 'more will be revealed. It seemed to me that my own will got me in so much trouble and that it wasn't until I admitted defeat that I finally got sober. I remember the moment when I was ready to accept Gods will for me. I was sitting in my garage, dope sick and tired of it all, when I looked up and asked for His help. I pleaded with Him and said I was done running the show. I believe that he answered me that day and has every day since. Putting my trust in a Power greater than myself simplifies my life beautifully. If something is in my control to fix or do I don't hesitate to do it. I thought early on that God would take care of everything, but I actually had to do some of the work. Who would have thought;)

"Do I still need to goto those meetings?" The answer to that one is a big YES. This time around I was successful with doing 90 meetings in 90 days. And without having a car. If I had my own transportation I would have been able to do many more. My favorite homegroup, yes I have more than one, is filled with people that would give me the shirts off their backs. I have noticed that they keep showing up everyday, even after they have reached 20 years of living a joyous sober life. The old-timers have so much knowledge and wisdom, not just about sobriety but life in general. I am so fortunate to have these literal 'pearls of wisdom' in my life today. A man with 23 years has been a really good friend to me. Especially early on when I was so shy and didn't know if I should even be in the rooms. His kindness made me want to come back. His gentle and caring nature made me feel welcome when I felt as if I would break down and cry at the slightest suggestion. It is a pleasure to surround myself with people that love life and want to continue to learn and grow. If people only knew what Alcoholics Anonymous was really about; I think they would want to go.

If you could see me as I was just a year ago I think you would be amazed by my transformation. When I look through old photo albums that display my old self, I almost have to say the serenity prayer. I don't like seeing myself with lifeless eyes and gray colored skin. Sure it shows me how I've progressed but it's hard to believe that God gave all of this to me unconditonally. He loves everyone, no more no less.

I know we haven't met but that doesn't mean I don't care for you. Quite the opposite. You are the most important person in my life, the ones I haven't met. Have a blessed day and please be kind to all you meet.

When will it be enough?

2009-05-17T15:31:00.000-04:00

I follow closely to my own program and try to not take other people's inventories but something has been on my mind recently. About a month ago a young couple new to AA started going to meetings with me. One of them did some time at a treatment community I had mentioned in a previous blog titled, "Me Experience, Strength and Hope at West Central CF." They were nice enough to take me to a couple meetings and I really enjoyed getting to know them. They were engaged to be married and I thought this was all very positive. Then all of a sudden the girl started calling me and telling me how unhappy she has been with her future husband and how she wanted to call the whole thing off. She also let me know that she has been going out to bars and that she didn't think she had a drinking problem. I was shocked, to say the least. I thought they were committed to recovery. About a week later I was on her Facebook profile and I saw *recent pictures of them both at a bar, getting drunk....real good and drunk.

This saddens me. I perceived them differently than they really are. It saddens me because I thought they would be saving themselves from the pain and self-torture I endured from the continued drinking. I am about eight years older than them and like them I first started going to meetings at the young age of 22.

What lesson(s) is to be learned here? Should I be more careful about the people I allow in my life? Should I reach out my hand to help them? One thing that is clear is the need to pray for them both. The only thing they are going to find while drinking and drugging is pain and suffering. I thought they wanted to save themselves but it is their choice and it is their destiny to find this thing out for themselves.

One Stop Blog

2009-04-12T11:10:00.001-04:00

This is just an announcement that I am going to add a link to all my blogs that I've written in the past and posted to myspace. I want one place to have them all.

My Experience, Strength, and Hope at West Central CF.

2009-04-08T14:21:00.000-04:00

Last night my eyes were opened. I requested to tag along with a couple guys from my home group to a prison facility named West Central Community Correctional Facility. It caters to men and woman. It is located in Marysville, Ohio, right of state highway 4. I have driven past that place at least a thousand times, on our way up to where my grandparents’ farm is. Every time we drive there and back I look at that place and wonder what it is like in there? Is there violence going on in there? And how the people are doing? So I had the privilege of taking the A.A. message to a prison facility and it was so worth it.

It was nothing like I expected. I had an image in my mind of a dark and cold room. Maybe an old prison library, like the one I was in. A small room that was very small and stuffy; with the smell of decaying books in the air. The people that I imagined to be incarcerated would all be black men. I am in no means a racist, so please don't get the wrong idea. You have to know that black Americans out number any other ethnic race behind bars. A meeting being observed correction officers, as they hovered in the background with their batons at the ready. Making it difficult for us AA’ers to concentrate on what was being said in the present. Just like they were when I was incarcerated. I am so happy to say it was nothing, NOTHING like that. It was in a large room, well lit and had nice plastic chairs that were comfortable. And to my surprise there were woman, as well as men. Some were my age, some were younger. There was only one black man, and he looked familiar. Many of the faces in that place looked familiar. I kept noticing the girls checking me out during the meeting. I don't think they had seen a man that had his shit together in a while. Or they were just feeling the prison blues. It was hard for me to see woman on visitation day, without staring too much. You don't get any physical contact while locked up so you get really horny.

They were all so very nice and respectful. They weren't wearing orange or blue jumpsuits either. They all had on a uniform, consisting of blue jeans and a blue button down shirt. The woman all had on gray sweaters. Probably to hide their features so the men wouldn't get too aroused. Name tags with their last names were attached to their collars. It was very structured. The prisoners responded in unison most of the time and all sat up erect in their chairs.

It really helped me to go last night. Not too long ago the circumstances were different. I was the one wearing the orange jumpsuit, looking at the guy who brought the meeting to me. Wishing and praying that someday I would be like that. I wanted to be a kind and giving person for a really long time. I just didn’t know how. I couldn’t imagine what I needed to do in order to help people. Well, I finally know how to help people. I help by not using drugs and alcohol. I help by showing people that if I can do it, then anyone can! I was in some serious trouble and thought I was going to die an addict in the grips of this soul snatching disease. I can’t live like that again. It is not who I want to be and it isn’t how I want people to see me. Last night really helped me to see where I would end up if I ever went back to using. I saw myself in their eyes and heard my voice speaking from their mouths. I heard the voice of my higher power and actively listened to what he had to say.

There is always hope for the sick and suffering addict. It is never too late to change your life. No longer do I wonder what my old acquaintances are doing. I know. They are doing the same thing they have always done. Addicts walking through this life like half dead zombies with their defenses and blinders up. Walking blind and not seeing the truth. Not seeing that this life is precious and not to be taken for granted. I am grateful that I no longer care for them either. They never really cared for me in the first place. The only thing that was on their mind was how I am going to get that next fix. Or how can I take advantage of this good person or that good person to get what I want. I once asked a friend of mine that I have known for years if he ever thought of quitting this shit and trying to get clean. He said no and that he never thinks about it! What? Never thinks about it. How can you not think about it? How can you like living like a slave to a substance? How can you like blowing veins? Or catching cases? Or seeing shadow people? Or being sick? Or killing your family? Or robbing, raping, being numb? Or how the f*** can you like the fact that you are killing yourself? I never liked fake people and I will continue to work on seeing past their flaws. I will continue to pray for my old friends. That they might see they can have a great life, filled with great people and experiences. Please, give yourself a break and if you already are then continue to. Have a blessed day and more importantly have a blessed life!

Just another Manic...Saturday?

2009-03-21T10:30:00.000-04:00

Over the course of the week a few things have became absolutely clear in my mind. That I can't change people! That I can't control people's sobriety! And that it really only damages me in the process. I know that it is a selfish program, A.A., but I never before understood why it has to be that way. If I worry too much about how your addiction is taking control of your life, then I am not working on my own problems. Don't get me wrong, I reach out and help anyone that asks but I can't save or rescue anyone until they want it.

A good friend of mine from high school reached out to me yesterday and I took her to her first AA meeting in like five years. I was so proud to see her stand up and get her 24 hour coin. It brought a tear to my eye. Just to see her surrender really helped me not to drink that day. Thank you so much Katie!

So it's Saturday morning and I haven't had a drink or took a drug so far. I don't plan to use today and that is all that matters. I went to a wonderful morning anniversary meeting in a town near my house called Upper Arlington. It was packed with great people. People that care about themselves, and care about me. Never in my life have I found a group of people so honest, open-minded and accepting. I fit right in with them and don't have to strive for acceptance like I had tried all my life in other circles of friends. These people get me! They don't judge me and they ask me to be there. Keep coming back right! I recently got sober but had not been fully dedicated to my program until about a month ago. I have been attending close to 14 meetings a week. The two-a-days are great because you have positive contact from so many people. God speaks to me through the group and I remind myself to keep my ears open. They tell you to take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth! Yes sir, I will.

I recently got involved in service in my Ohio Area 53 Correctional Facilities Committee. They paired me up with a gentleman serving time at Jackson Pike. I wrote my first letter to him the other day and am putting the envelope in the mail today. I have never been in the facility he's in but have heard stories of the treatment the prisoners receive. It is tragic. A buddy of mine had to kick heroin while locked up there and said it was the worst experience of his life. I guess there were three or four others trying to kick the habit, in the same cell. One toilet!! I don't know about you but when I kicked that stuff I had my own toilet and needed that thing like a diabetic needs insulin. Can you imagine going through withdraws around a group of people that could quite possible attack you at any moment. I am thankful that we have ADAMH because they funded my stay at a rehab named Mary Haven last year in August 2008. Speaking of rehab. I was always the type of person that thought I needed some expensive treatment center with 5-star service to get me off drugs and booze. Boy was I wrong. My first rehab stay was in 2002 at a place called FOCUS in Maumee, Ohio. Right outside Toledo, and it wasn't cheap. What I found at Mary Haven was hope. I remember them asking me, "Do you think you have suffered enough yet?" I honestly didn't know. I had never thought of it like that. I have lost jobs, friends, braincells, cars, apartments, respect, freedom, etc. and not until that counselor put it like that, did I realize that I needed a break.

I have been rambling on and on. I hope reading some of my thoughts helped you to understand where I am at right now. I always search the web logs for people in sobriety so if you are one of those people leave me a comment and direct me to your page so I can hear you experience, strength and hope. I believe in positive people and positive feedback, but I also believe in constructive criticism. Without that I wouldn't be here and would be locked up, 6-feet deep or squatting somewhere in Columbus.

Awakening in Addiction

2009-02-23T15:29:00.000-05:00

It has been what seems like an eternity since I have truly been alive. A large portion of my life was devoted to one thing and one thing only. To numb my senses with a chemical aid. To walk through life, the living dead, zombified and totally alone. Dangering myself and certainly devastating the hopes of my faithful few. Putting myself first and you last. Actually you wouldn't have been last. You would have been never because I just didn't care. All the events in my life came to a pinnacle of suffering just this last December when I did more emotional and physical harm to myself and others than ever before. It really is a cliche to use the phrase, "I hit rock bottom", but i finally did. This wasn't my first time being down and out but it will definitely be my last.

Something deep and profoundly powerful is occurring inside me right now at this very moment. A feeling that I am welcoming with a wounded mind, body, and soul. Change. A glimmer of hope appeared to me and it was such a needed and deserved revelation. The natural high that I am experiencing is so beautiful that I just couldn't avoid writing about it. There is hope in addiction and I just gave in and grasped it. I guess the pure insanity finally caught up to me. Or I just hadn't suffered enough pain until recently. I believe a higher power answered my desperate and dieing prayers. A light has been switched on. And it's about damn time.